A first date can be a nervous experience for both men and women especially if you are meeting from an internet dating site, whether you are meeting someone for the first time or even if you have known each other for sometime and now want to start dating. Our 25 online dating tips will help you even if you are looking at speed dating or online dating safety tips.
So much to think about, where to meet, what to eat / drink, what to wear, what to talk about!
Of course the best piece advice anyone can give is be yourself. You of course want the other person to like you for you, not a persona or act.
That being said it always helps to plan ahead. Have a set agenda that you can focus your mind on, and a forward thinking plan always helps the body deal with nerves as you will be already prepared.
We have put together 25 Top Dating Tips to help you plan ahead.
We all know that planning every little detail is a sure way to end up disappointed – not to mention risking coming across as boring and predictable; but some planning is required, such as the location of your first date and a rough idea of what you will both do – the cinema, a meal, drinks in a bar etc. It is important to plan at least something otherwise your first date may be spent wondering around the streets trying to think of something to do! While on a summer evening this could be deemed as romantic, it will not be so if it is pouring with rain!
Whatever is planned and whoever makes the plan, be sure to communicate with the other person. There is certainly nothing more daunting than not knowing where you’re going or what to wear and too much uncertainty may create a very nervy start.
As a first date location it is best to keep things as neutral as possible. Not only will the other person feel a little awkward at their date’s home when neither have previously met; but it is also not a good idea to let your first date know exactly where you live – just in case you never want to see them again! Ideally choose a location that is for both to get to, familiar to both of you and inspires or appeals to both your interests. An art gallery and a picnic lunch could be a perfect first date for arty types for example.
However, don’t make the mistake of choosing a location that you would never find appealing, only to please or suit your date – if the relationship blossoms, you’ll either have to keep up the pretence or be honest that you have no interest in such places which will induce questions such as Why did you take me there on our first date? Etc!
What you may choose to wear on your first date will largely depend on where you are going and what you’ll be doing. There is no point dressing up if you intend to go for a walk, hike or ice-skating – you will feel uncomfortable on many levels! However, just because you may need to dress casually, you can still look good which will help you to feel good and exude confidence. Basics such as looking and smelling clean and fresh should not need mentioning! Also, if you’re going to wear casual trainers, you can still make sure they’re clean and odourless – it would be a bit embarrassing taking them off otherwise! Try not to wear something brand new for a first date unless you feel great in it. You are more likely to relax more with a tried and tested outfit that you have previously received complements on. You will naturally feel more comfortable and looking relaxed is far more attractive.
There are of course good reasons to stick to the norm on a first fate – classics like a few drinks in a bar, dinner and a movie, a picnic or sometimes a combination of all. However, for first dates when both people are particularly nervous, there is nothing better than indulging in a bit of fun. Not only does the fun itself help to relax everyone, it also detracts all of the focus on intense conversation which can be exhausting if one of you is shy. Don’t worry though; you’ll still get to know a lot about the other person through a fun date (in fact sometimes you’ll learn more, seeing them more naturally). Great ideas would be ice skating, dry slope skiing, a day at the races (providing neither of you has a gambling issue!) or horse riding.
The secret is to both be roughly at the same level of competence – it won’t be much fun for an amateur skier to go on a first date with an expert skier; but if you’re at the same level you can laugh together and with each other and ensure a great day out, even if he or she is not ‘the One’.
First dates are nerve-wracking enough anyway, but one wouldn’t want to get off to a bad start, only to arrive flustered, embarrassed, or at worse – stood up! If you think you are going to be late, at least call your date so he or she knows you’re on your way. At the very least, this is basic, polite etiquette but it will also reduce the risk of your date giving up on you and going home! It is also a great idea from a safety perspective – you’ll be able to call a friend if you need to bring the date to an end (though hopefully things will go well enough, that this will not be necessary!). Of course, once all is going well, don’t forget to turn the phone to silent.
Sometimes people are so eager to keep the conversation going, they delve straight into the ‘Where did you grow up?’ and ‘Do you have siblings?’ type questions, that from the start of the date could come across more like a job interview than an ice breaker. While these are perfectly reasonable questions to ask on a first date, it is best to start with a few more general topics. Unless you’re an avid follower of current affairs, it would be worthwhile to read a paper before the date, just to get a few ideas on current, neutral topics to talk about (avoid strong politics, religion etc!). You could also talk about the place you have decided to meet and show that you are attentive by asking your date if they feel happy and comfortable.
If you really have a mental block and it becomes ‘awkward’, don’t be afraid to express that you are a little nervous – you’re date is likely to agree, so you’ll have at least that in common and you can both laugh about it.
Hopefully the conversation should flow quite easily, but if you are stuck for ideas and the silence is becoming overwhelmingly awkward, it is best to ask a few open ended general questions. Questions beginning with 'What?' or 'Why?' are best. The other person cannot simply answer yes or no, but they will be free to choose how much information they express or divulge. Questions such as ‘What are you most passionate about?’ are great as they will bring out the best in the other person. People tend to be more expressive, more themselves and deeper if they are talking about something they are passionate about. It will also give you the chance to really find out what makes the other person tick.
Somewhere along the decades it seemed to become almost unfashionable and utterly boring to engage in good old fashioned manners. Manners and politeness will pay dividends on a first date – it shows the other person that you have respect for others, that you are thoughtful and considerate and that you have a reasonable level of intelligence to know how to behave in social situations. All of these attributes are highly desired, if not expected; yet one of the easiest ways of demonstrating them seems to have been rejected. If you’re a man, remember the simple things like opening doors, paying the bill on the first date, being complementary, being flexible as opposed to demanding.
This sounds very obvious but there is absolutely no point in trying to be someone or something else; nor pretending to possess more or less than you do. Sometimes we all get so nervous that we can put on the overly confident personality that is not at all reflective of who we are. Before you begin dating or go on your first date you need to like yourself! That way, you won’t pretend to be something you’re not just to be accepted. You’ll simply accept that maybe the two of you are not a match and will then move on. By pretending to be anything else is being dishonest – not a great way to progress the relationship.
Another classic mistake people make on a first date is talking far too much about themselves. Maybe it’s nervousness or maybe it’s simply trying too hard to impress; whatever the reason, it usually has the opposite to the desired effect. At its’ worst is can appear rude, arrogant and self absorbed (not characteristics anyone wants to own); at best it can be boring, un-attentive and could make the other person on the date feel like a spare part! Whilst it is important to have something to say about yourself, it is always best to be asked a few basic questions. It enables both people to talk about themselves, but it also allows them both to show that they are interested in their date, that they want to get to know you and they welcome your differences, hobbies, interests and views. It also makes for a much more balanced, free flowing conversation and you’ll both quickly identify things in common with one another if you’ve both had the chance to express yourselves.
Bringing out the ex-files on a first date is never a good idea; especially if the relationships ended badly as it is likely to bring out any feelings of anger, upset or bitterness you may still have – not a great way to enjoy a first date. Sometimes though, it is simply unavoidable for the subject to come up – in these instances it is fine to mention ‘The Ex’, but keep it to a minimum. Try to avoid going into the details of how and why you split up, the full analysis of the relationship and how you feel now – this could be a deal breaker. However, if your first date becomes a lasting companion, bringing out the ex-files can tell you a lot about the other person – their motivations, desires, priorities etc, which could be helpful information!
Exuding confidence is sexy and attractive to everyone. If you can convince yourself you are confident, you will start to appear more attractive which will in itself give you more natural confidence – its’ a good cycle. Of course, being complementary to your date (don’t go overboard or it could be clichéd or even creepy) is lovely for them to receive and shows that you are interested. But, you can also be complementary to yourself; of course, don’t start bragging about how wonderful and beautiful you are, but certainly avoid putting yourself down on your first date (or even subsequent dates). Putting yourself down can evoke many negative things towards your date – it may force them to have to lie if they are particularly polite, or they could simply think that you are fishing for complements. At worst they may feel you have very low self esteem issues which may put them off all together.
If, after a few minutes of getting to know someone on a first date you realize that you really do like them, try not to spend the rest of the evening analyzing how well the date is going. Live in the moment and enjoy their company – you’ll be more yourself in that way and you’ll actually relax and enjoy yourself. The chances are, if you do relax, the date will go well and you won’t feel the need to analyse anyway.
Of course, it is important to be yourself and to be honest. It is also important to have a few conversation starters to be able to rely on. It is highly recommended, however, to avoid the big issues that invariably provoke strong reactions. Topics such as war, abortion, political leaning etc are best avoided on a first date. However, they will need to come up on future dates – especially if the other person’s opinion could potentially be a deal-breaker for you, if they oppose your view on a subject you feel passionate about.
Everyone appreciates a sense of humour, even if it is a different type to their own. Rather than constantly focusing on getting to know one another, you could simply recount a funny anecdotal story of something that happened on the way to meeting up with your date. Not only will this break the ice, make you both laugh together and relax a little more, you will also get to know her or his sense of humour. Also, by telling a story rather than asking lots of questions, you’ll greatly reduce the risk of the date feeling like a job interview.
Apart from being honest and polite, this has to be the most important tip of all for a successful first date. In fact, not listening will guarantee you won’t get a second date with him or her. Aside from the fact that listening is considered basic manners, if you are actually listening you will be able to pick up ideas, topics and points of interest that will lead onto other conversations – keeping the conversation flowing. It will also show that you are interested in him or her and by showing that you’re listening you will create a natural connection with the other person through positive body language. There is nothing worse than talking and feeling the other person’s mind or eyes are elsewhere!
Glaring into someone’s’ eyes and leaning so far forward that you’re almost falling on to them is not recommended! However, there is a lot to be said for simple things like body language. Maintaining eye contact not only demonstrates interest and shows you are listening; it also builds a connection and provides a non-threatening level of intimacy between you. Also by leaning ever so slightly forward, you again, show enthusiasm and interest. (Sitting back in your chair as far away from the other person can be interpreted as arrogance or a lack of interest). If you really like the person, there is nothing wrong with showing some small signs of physical affection such as a touch on the arm as you’re talking or laughing – again this can create flirtation and intimacy in a non-threatening way.
This seems a little picky, but if you’ve ever been on a date before and ordered something messy, you’ll remember asking yourself ‘Why did I order this?’! Try to avoid fish with lots of little bones – you’ll spend the whole time examining the food on your plate and picking out bones, rather than enjoying your company and maintaining that all important eye contact. Ribs with a sauce are also probably not a good idea. If you think your date is likely to go really well, and you may want a goodnight kiss, avoid strong foods like garlic or coffee!
Everyone appears more attractive and engaging when they exude positivity with a sense of fun. No matter what life throws at us and the baggage we accumulate over the years, there are always positive things happening to us and around us. It’s these things you should try to focus on during a first date. Save the heavy stuff for another time. A first date is about enjoying yourself and showing your date a good time.
No matter how much you think a few drinks will help you to relax and curb your nervousness, getting drunk on any date (but particularly a first date) is never a good idea. Not only is drunkenness and smelling of alcohol particularly off-putting for the other person, it is also likely to lead to a loss of inhibition whereby crossing the line may occur. This is a sure way to cause your date to end the evening abruptly and will leave both of you feeling rather flat from the whole experience.
If possible, try to avoid talking about the dating process. The fact that you’re on a first date with someone, suggests that you’ve either only just started dating or, this is one of a number of dates. Try to avoid talking about the whole dating scene, complaining about previous dates, whining about how hard it is to meet someone etc. This can be annoying or even slightly depressing – no doubt it will take any fun and passion out of the date. If you’ve arranged your first date through a dating site, be sure not to criticize yourself over the fact that you’re using a dating site – by doing so, you are indirectly criticizing the other person.
However the first date has gone; well, badly or something in between, it is important to end the date honestly, politely and sensitively. For example, if it hasn’t gone well, or you simply know that you are not compatible, it is best to say something along the lines of ‘thank you for a great afternoon / evening, it’s been really nice to get to know you but I don’t feel that we are as compatible as I’d like’. Or if it didn’t go well because the other person was impolite or difficult you could simply say ‘from my point of view this is not going to go anywhere / any further, thank you for meeting me but its’ time for me to go home now’. Avoid saying anything rude or nasty and don’t say you want to see them again if you would rather not; or promise to call if you won’t. This is unfair on the other person and will make them feel far worse than if you were honest in the first place. Hopefully though, the date would have gone very well – if you feel it has, don’t be afraid to say so. If you want to call, say you’ll call – let the other person know you’re interested in taking it further.
There is no rule to kissing on a first date. It should be a mutual ‘happening’ if the mood takes and usually both people will have a pretty good idea of whether or not the date has gone well enough to feel comfortable to lean in for a kiss. Men should remember that for a woman, the kiss can be met with some anxiety as she will want it to go well, so don’t rush it. A good way to approach this is to take her hands at the end of the night and express how much you have enjoyed her company and that you’d like to see her again. You can then lean in to simply give her a peck on the cheek. If she wants to kiss you, she will. If she doesn’t, there is no harm done – you wouldn’t have forced yourself upon her and neither of you will feel embarrassed.
Obviously not in a predatory way! But, if you really feel the date has gone well but neither of you are ready for the ‘goodnight kiss’, it’s a good idea to arrange a second date there and then. It finishes the date on positive note and gives both of you something to look forward to. It shows you are keen – keen to take it further but respectful of the other person; and you’re showing that you had a great time enjoying their company – a great boost for anyone.
Well, nothing really.
The worst that could happen is that your date doesn’t turn up –
if that happens – see it as a blessing in disguise – clearly
they are unreliable and that would never have worked as a relationship.
On the whole, most people are decent enough to show up, so in that case,
the worst that could happen is that you don’t ‘hit it off’.
If not, just try to make the best of the evening or if it’s really
too awful for that, simply end the date gracefully and respectfully.
Try to make the aim of the date a night or day of enjoyment as opposed
to a nerve-wracking major event – it’s only for a few hours
with no obligation for commitment! You would have lost nothing, but perhaps
gained practice; and confidence that a first date is not so awful after
all - preparing you better for the next one!